I *have* a full time job already...

After two weeks of working for Cara, I've made the decision to quit.

Cara and I are great friends, our children are the same age and we go to the same activities during the week, I feel so blessed to have met her and for her to think so highly of me to offer me this job but I feel even more blessed that I could be honest with her about my feelings about "working" again.

Just this past weekend I realized I have a full time job: I'm a mother, a wife, our financial planner, the chauffer, the chef, the maid, a daughter, a sister, a best friend, a group member... I never realized just how busy I was until I got a job outside of all these things.

I was beginning to feel stressed, stretched too thin, a bit overwhelmed and I was only working about 1-2 hours a day! I started to feel miserable, I didn't look forward to getting up in the morning and hearing the phone ring, knowing it was Cara with another project for me to do that week. But, I was torn because this is truly one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities to work at home, on my own time, to finally fill that 2 year gap on my resume, to get back in the game, to feel I was contributing financially again. The actually work was easy, old hat, but I found myself distracted too much while Emily was awake; this job was interfering with the job I already had.

I began to question everything, including myself, what I really wanted:

Would it be responsible to just walk away because it was hard and taking up too much of my free time?

Would I regret it 5 years from now when I had planned on going back to work, when I was potentially having a difficult time finding a job with such balance and flexibility?

Was working at this job making me a bad mother?

I had too many doubts and I decided to listen to my mother who so eloquently said;
"Amanda, you have this gift of not having to work, to enjoy staying at home guilt-free to raise your daughter... wouldn't you regret missing out on all of this for a job you may or may not even need in the future?"
She's right! Why work when I don't have to? Why not just enjoy this magnificent time in my life with my daughter? Why worry so much about something I have no control over right now?

Life is full of surprises, disappointments, hard times... worrying about what might be, what might happen in the distant future isn't going to change what does or does not happen so why put myself through all that? Then, of course I had an epiphany: this must be what working mothers think about when they are trying to make the decision to quit to SAH or to return to work after their maternity leave is over. What a terrifying decision to make, doubting whichever way you chose, I don't envy my friends who have gone through this and I truly respect all mothers, no matter which way they chose.

So, I told Cara I just couldn't commit to this job and she not only respected my decision but hugged me and thanked me for my honesty. I immediately felt relieved, knowing I could go home after Emily's tumbling class and just do my job, the full time job I already have. :)


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